For you not to envy

(Photo credit: Uckg.org)
(Photo credit: Uckg.org)

Life for me has never been easy. Every single material possession that I own was purchased with my own hard earned cash and every job I’ve ever had in my life I’ve had to win it on my own merits. I’m thankful in so many of ways that I’ve had to go through a certain amount of struggle to get where I am today as it allows me to appreciate everything that much more but sometimes when I see others who get a free pass without much effort I seriously want to punch life is the proverbial face and ask it ‘Why the hell is that not me!?’.

I’m not sure whether I get annoyed because it’s going to take me that much longer to reach my goal then the person with the free pass or whether I’m just plain jealous that life for them is so fucking easy but either way it does my head in and if there is one thing I honestly dislike it would have to be having someone else’s life – easy or not – effect me so personally.

As a general rule I try to not feel envious of other people, their lives or their great luck because it just leaves me feeling miserable but I also avoid these people like the plague when I’m feeling vulnerable and insecure. However when you are forced to work with or around the free pass person in question and thus witnessing their “good fortune” over and over again it’s hard to avoid them, isn’t it?

So I went a few rounds with the boxing bag this afternoon – Take that you fucking snot with the free pass! How do you like them apples!  to try and release some of this pent up aggression but when that did nothing to abate my anger I turned to my good friend vodka because for one it tastes fucking awesome and for two I needed to stop my brain from being in overdrive. After a glass and a half of the delicious liquid and I could finally feel the sanity (and logic) return my thinking process but there is still part – however small – which is bothered by the knowledge that I probably will never be the person who gets the free pass and will always have to work harder and harder for success.

That thought although nice is so many ways because it makes me a stronger and more independent person is also a little disheartening because having a life of struggle has in some ways made me a harder person – harder to get to know, harder to get close to and harder to just let loose.

Would I trade if I could? No. I probably wouldn’t. Despite all the hardships and life struggles I do like the person I have become as I’m less selfish, more supportive and far more appreciative.

People who live on free passes don’t get it and they never will.

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